Oh No! Oh Woe!

(Any similarity of any person you know or know of to Splinter T. Speckle
is purely coincidental, although,I admit that I tend toward this personality.)

Splinter T. Speckle is one of a kind-
The mopiest person you ever will find.
He'll sit at a table and cry in his soup.
His mouth in a fown, and his eyes in a droop.

Whatever he does and wherever he goes,
He's counting his troubles on fingers and toes.
Now -- why does he always complain night and day?
He truly believes he's disaster's next prey.


Splinter T. Speckle is not unusually unlucky. But he thinks he is.

If Splinter T. Speckle is not saying "woe is me," he is saying "it always happens to me" OR " Whenever there's trouble, I get the brunt of it," OR "I'm always being blamed and it isn't my fault."


he is saying, "See, I knew it, I just knew it, I sure did know it. I told you so--bad things always happen to me in the worst possible ways, or worse."

(Editors note: This is known as "Splinter's Law.")

Splinter wrings his hands a lot ,especially when he cries which is most of the time. He cries a lot especially when he is wrings his hands. That's most of the time too. He never laughs and rarely smiles. In fact, when he does smile, it is only because he has something caught in his back tooth, (knowing him, he has somethings caught in his back teeth) and he has to grin to get those pieces out. Knowing him, they will be big, hard to get out pieces , like from a lamb chop bone,and he will end up at the dentist. Splinter will say, "With my luck the dentist will lecture me on all the foods that I should eat which could never get stuck. With my luck,those will be all the foods I hate!"



Splinter says that there is ALWAYS a shoe in his path on which he stubs his already bruised toe.

Splinter says that when he cooks for himself, which is always, he miscalculates the time and burns the food.

Splinter says that when he is out walking he usually walks in the wrong direction. And when he does not walk in the wrong direction, he usually is going to the dentist to have lamb chop bones PRIED OUT of his back teeth.

Splinter T. Speckle has a list of all the bad things that have ever happened to him. He adds at least 10 things to his list every day. He hangs copies of the list in his kitchen. (his living room, his bathroom, his bedroom, and in each of his one closets). Too bad that just at the moment he wants to add something to his list, he has to search for a writing implement which is never handy. It takes him a lot of time to find it, and by the time he does, he usually forgets what he wanted to write down and must think about it. Being involved in memory retrieval requires concentration and that is one reason he miscalculates his cooking and burns his food.

Splinter T. Speckle is willing to share his woes with anyone upon request. Send a self-addressed stamped carton to:


Splinter E. Speckle
924345 Wrong Way
Dzitzel City, QD

He will send you a select sampling.


In short , and without explaining in excessive, plethoric, copious, glutted, supersaturated ,profuse, superabundant, verbose and generally SUPERFLUOUS detail ( see, Splinter isn't worth talking about!!) let's just say that Splinter wallows in self-pity.


Splinter is wallown' he's counting those woes,
He cries and complains ' cause he certainly knows,
That knothing, right knothing, will make him feel cheerful,


Quite the reverse, he is bound to be tearful.

But Splinter should realize in one way has luck.
There's one horrid fate he's been able to duck.
His mirror,though foggy and cracked----still it shows,
That Queen hasn't severed his ill-fated nose.


At least not yet--- But that's coming sooner or later .Splinter is convinced that it is bound to come sooner. In fact, he thinks it is long overdue. Maybe he should notify Queen of this oversight.


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