NOT QUITE ALLERGIC TO ARPEGGIOS:
THE VACUUM CLEANER SOLUTION

Bertha Barter went to sleep, she started
counting wooly sheep,
When Berty Barter burst into her room.

"Mama," Berty Barter said, "there's something
creepy 'neath my bed,
You'll need to come and shoo it with a broom."

*

 

"Mama won't you please come check, or else I'll be
a nervous wreck."
Then Bertha woke, her voice was slightly deep.

" I look each night below your bed, I'll tell you what I've
always said,
There's nothing there but clothing in a heep."

*

 

Well, sure enough, the same was true, the clothes
were there just like she knew,
Then just before she stormed out in huff---

Berty said his dinner stank, he couldn't stand the
drink he drank,
And shouted more complaints and nasty stuff.

*

 

Their clashes thus went on each day, they'd pick and pull
in every way,
There never seemed to be a bit relief.

The pressure mama would apply, complaining was
her son's reply,
They gave each other lots of awful grief.

*

 

And there was papa standing by, what could he do,
but give a sigh?
There wasn't any way to get a truce.

His son would nag his hounding wife, it really was a
stressful life,
Negotiating was of little use.

*

 

And then one day the house bell rang, a salesman
named Bartoli Clang
Was selling vacuum cleaners door to door.

The "best" machine that one could buy, (his selling
pitch was rather sly)
He sold his cleaner, wait... there's something more.

*

 

When B.C. came the Barter pair were in a state of
sad despair,
The two were going at it --WHAT A FIGHT!

*
Bartoli sold his cleaning wares, but viewed himself the
type who cares,
He talked and talked and talked throughout the night.

 

 

He wanted badly to assist, this amateur 'psychologist,'
Had ascertained this family was forlorn.

The words flowed out like rain that pours, he spoke
about the Barter's wars,
His lecturing continued until dawn.

*

 

"You know," he said, "if you must fight, you've really got
to get it right,
In conflicts you must always plan ahead.

So write a script, read every word, make sure that
what you say is heard,
A nourished fight must always be well-fed."

*

 

"But yelling isn't quite enough, a fight must have
some phys'cal stuff,
Some blood should really, really start to flow.

So hit each other with your fists, with fingers, elbows ,
fling your wrists,
'Cause black and blue is just the way to go."

*

 

"And one more thing," he said with glee, " the outcome
is a certainty,
Your fighting will increase from day to day.

So take my tips and escalate, these arguments will make
you hate.
Hostility will be your family's way."

*

By morning he had said his say, Bartoli Clang went
on his way,
And left the Barters quite a bit confused.

Except for Papa, he heard too, he knew at last just
what to do.
The salesman's 'wisdom' left him quite amused.

*

Papa thought,"I'll intervene, and turn around this
family scene,
I think I know exactly what is what."

He told his wife and son that day, in rather like
a joking way,
" This vacuum salesman taught us quite a lot."

*

 

"Bartoli sold a cleaning tool, pretended
then to be a fool,
His nonsense showed the errors of
your ways.

He gave some very sound advice, for folks
like you with minds of mice,
Who function in an idiotic craze."

*

"So Bertha, let me start with you, I have a certain
point of view,
When pressuring Berty, with your strong commands.

He doesn't listen anyway, to much of what you
have to say,
So think real well before you make demands."

*

"And Berty, as for you my son, complaining
isn't really fun,
It's hurtful, casues conflict as you've seen.

So make the best of what you've got, you have
so much, in fact a lot.
Get into a cooperative routine."

*

Both Ma and Son had seen the light, they finally came to
know what's right,
Though Mama gave suggestions here and there,

And Berty made complaints, it's true, but these were far
apart and few,
The two were making efforts to be fair.

*

The outcome which was holding fast, created peace
which seemed to last,
'Cause mama realized reason was the key.

And Berty lived his life his way, with little
critical to say,
It made their lives together battle-free.